Shrek and the Crusade for the N-Word Pass
by SeasonedBeef
Summary: Shrek knows that he cannot let the N-Word Pass fall into the wrong hands. The race is on, but the question is...can the fabled hero attain the sacred parchment? Or will the most notorious members of Mystery Incorporated get it first?
1. The Race Is On

Shrek took another swig of water out of his canteen, noticing how little he had left. This had truly been a long journey, but he was close. He knew he was close. This wouldn't all be for nothing. Fiona would not have died for nothing. He finally made it to the top of the hill, and when he looked out on the horizon, he saw it. Townsville! Relief filled his body but it was quickly swept away when he saw the state of the city.

Destruction was all he saw as he walked through the streets. Turned-over cars, bodies hanging out of them, many more littering the streets and collapsed buildings. **They** must have already been through here. He was too late. Shrek began to run as fast as his legs would carry him, heading towards the laboratory that would hopefully contain all of the answers.

When he arrived at the front of the Powerpuff Girl's laboratory, he immediately noticed how the damage looked very recent, as smoke still billowed out of the three once-circular windows. They could still be here! Shrek rushed up the steps as fast as he could, dodging the sparks of damaged machinery. He kicked down the door to their bedroom and froze at what he saw.

It was Professor Utonium, hugging three small bodies to his chest. Shrek rushed over and put a hand over his mouth. "Professor...is that...?"

The Professor looked up at Shrek, tears streaming down his cheeks. "We thought that they would miss the city, Shrek. We were wrong. So wrong. The girls, t-they tried to fight them. But it was no use." The Professor's voice began to crack. "They're already on the move, Shrek. Those two are nigh unstoppable, but they know that you are the only one who can defeat them. They're looking for the one thing that can defeat you."

"You don't mean-!"

"Yes, I do. Shaggy and Scooby-Doo are looking for the N-Word Pass. They came here looking for the Negro-Locator, and they found it. The girls, they...died trying to stop him." Clutched in his arms were Bubbles, Buttercup and Blossom, all limp and lifeless.

Shrek put a hand on his shoulder. "We need to lay them to rest, Professor."

10 minutes later, they were at the back of the laboratory, putting the final shovel of dirt onto the last grave. It began to rain as Professor Utonium fell to his knees, sobbing. Shrek looked up at the sky and clenched his fist. Those weed-sucking bastards wouldn't get away with this.

"You need to go, Shrek," the Professor whispered under his breath. "You need to find them and stop them; their slaughter will not end here. I know where they're heading. To Bikini Bottom. You can stop them! If you and Spongebob team up, You'll still have a chance! You can get the N-Word Pass before them. As a white guy, his use of the pass will be more effective than you due to the intense racist energy it will release. You saw what happened when Trump, the whitest man of all, used it against the Penguins of Madagascar. Earth itself almost collapsed. In the hands of a man with such a douche-baggy goatee, he will surely end all life as we know it."

"You're right. I'll get revenge for those girls, I promise you," Shrek said, gathering his energy.

"I know you will. Now go."

Shrek let out a roar as he powered up and took off, flying through the air like a missile. Bikini Bottom...Shrek knew he would not be welcome there. Not after what happened with Sandy. But he knew he could convince Spongebob to help him, somehow. If he were to fail, even Michelle Obama wouldn't stand a chance.


	2. Recruiting the Fry-Cook of Legend

As Shrek flew through the sky, the smell of the salty sea filled his nose. Bikini bottom was just a few miles ahead, but many more miles downward. After only a few hours of flying he found it difficult to stay airborne.

"I need more training," Shrek gasped as he slowly sunk to the water. "Good thing we ogres can survive anywhere."

The instant Shrek submerged, gills sprouted on either side of his neck, resting on his shoulders. Anxiety began to well up in his stomach as he drifted to the ocean floor; Sandy would be there. So would Spongebob, and Patrick...maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all. Before he could even think of how he should turn back he barely dodged a giant squirt of mayo. He focused and saw the Krusty Krab readying its defenses.

"FIRE!" With a loud boom, several shots of ketchup and mustard almost touched him, but he managed to dodge by swimming through the water quickly. That was Spongebob that fired that shot, for sure. Shrek dashed towards the giant crab trap, his arms spread to stabilize himself.

A glob of ketchup managed to hit him and he crash landed on the sand, rolling to a stop in front of the Krusty Krab. Spongebob came out with a spatula, several spikes adorning it. "Get up, Shrek," he said, his voice quiet and cold.

A burst of energy destroyed the ketchup prison, and Shrek flipped to his feet. "Spongebob, listen to me! We need to-

He was cut off as Spongebob held the spiked spatula to Shrek's throat. "I don't have to do a damn thing you say, ogre," Spongebob said, spitting on the ground as he spitefully uttered that last word.

"Are you really going to be this difficult?" Shrek asked, staring down into the sponge's dead blue eyes.

"Nothing's easy anymore. Not after your little 'visit'. Now get the fuck out of here. If Patrick sees you he's gonna try to kill himself again and we just managed to take away all of the sharp grains of sand out of his rock."

Shrek looked down in shame. "If this is about Sandy, then..." Shrek felt a sharp pain on his cheek and saw blood float off of his face, a small amount resting on the tip of one of the spatula spikes.

"Don't you dare say her name in front of me. Your lack of self control made her what she is. YOU made her a shell of her former self."

"Enough, Spongebob! If we don't act quickly, we'll lose not just Sandy, but everyone! Shaggy and Scooby-doo are looking for the N-Word Pass!"

Spongebob paused, then looked down at his spatula. "So what? I'll never get my boating license. I'll never own my own restaurant. I'll never feel Mr. Krabs' bare flesh against mine! So what does it matter?!" Spongebob fell to his knees, tears streaming down his cheeks.

"Spongebob. This isn't just about you," Shrek said, getting on a knee. "And this isn't just about us. Look." Shrek pulled out Blossom's ribbon, showing it to the grieving sponge. "The girls are dead, Bob. They were killed this morning by those Mystery Incorporated bastards. They did it without a second thought, like it was just swatting a few flies. Imagine all of the people who will die because of them. Wives, husbands, children...all gone in an instant. Is that what you want?"

"I don't know if I can forgive you, Shrek. I don't know if I ever will. But you're right. I can't just let this happen. We need to find them," Spongebob said, wiping his eyes and standing up.

"Thank you. Now, we need to find a Negro-Locator. Do you think Plankton has one?" Shrek asked, looking towards the Chum bucket, recently re-branded to the Nut Bucket after a scandal between Plankton, an Alexa and an Amazon Echo. Needless to say, Karen was not pleased.

"No. Before you came, Sandy managed to steal it for further study. She's the only one in Bikini Bottom who has one."

"I see...well, we need to go get it," Shrek said as he walked towards Sandy's dome. Spongebob followed.

"She's gotten worse since your...visit." Shrek didn't respond. They arrived at Sandy's dome, making sure Spongebob had a water bowl on before entering. They made their way to Sandy's tree and knocked on the front door. It opened, and there sat Sandy in a wheelchair. She looked up at Shrek and he could see fear and lust spark in her eyes.

"She can't walk or talk," Spongebob explained. "But she can still hear."

"Oh. Alright. Sandy," Shrek said, looking down at her. "We need Plankton's Negro Locator. Shaggy and Scooby-doo, they're-"

Sandy pressed a button on her wheelchair and out of a compartment in the ground, the Negro-Locator was on a pedestal that rose from the hidden chamber. "Take it," Sandy's text-so-speech program said.

"Thank you," Shrek said, taking it. He was about to turn and leave before Spongebob patted his shoulder.

"I'll let you two talk. They couldn't have gone far; we can spare a few minutes." Spongebob left the dome, leaving just the two of them. Shrek looked back at Sandy and memories flashed in his mind. Their night together...her moans...the feeling of her body under his. He cleared his throat.

"We shouldn't have done what we did. I knew how dangerous it could be to mate with someone who isn't an ogre."

"I don't regret it," Sandy's program said. "Not even for a second. It was all worth it, and it will never be not worth it. Even though you loved Fiona more, I know that night we shared was not just a fling. I love you, Shrek." Shrek wiped a tear away and hugged Sandy, turning around and dashing out without a word, flying to the surface. Spongebob jumped and flew after him.

"Where does it say we should go?" the fry-cook asked.

Shrek, glad the ocean water hid his tears, looked down at the locator. "McDonald's. They must be looking to gather enough energy to use the Pass without killing themselves in one go."

"Got it. To the land of Cholesterol."


End file.
